What are your non-negotiables?
You ever get in a funk? Like a realllll funky funk.
You know the times I am talking about - when you’re too exhausted to heat up leftovers for dinner so you don’t eat. When your body feels like a thousand pounds and the last thing you want to do is fucking get up and brush your teeth. When your alarm goes off and your first thought is ‘ugh another day’.
A little bit about me…
I’ve been having a lot of those days lately. I find myself often thinking ‘tomorrow will be better…it has to be’.
To be completely honest, this funky season of life requires patience and perseverance that I struggle to have at times. I’m tired. I’m sick of navigating healthcare while feeling like ass. I am over having to call insurance companies, patient assistance programs, infusions clinics and doctor offices to make sure my name doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. I don’t want to get out my credit card to pay another copay. And I swear, it feels like if I have one more day where I stare out into the void too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted to function I am going to explode from anger or collapse from sadness or maybe both.
I feel that way despite the fact that this isn’t my first rodeo. Almost 2 decades and 10 DMTs for MS in, I know the rollercoaster of bs that chronic illness can bring, but, for whatever reason this time is pushing me.
What it’s like
Days/weeks/months/years can become beyond difficult because your physical and mental health suffers all while not knowing when it will turn around. It can feel like you see yourself slipping away.
Unfortunately (and fortunately), I know I am not alone in going through rough times. So there is that bright spot ✨🧡
Preventing (or minimizing) the snowball effect
Not sure about you, but when I physically or mentally feel like shit, my thoughts, perspective and how I take care of myself all goes to shit too - cuz why not, right? 🫠 This makes it VERY hard to do anything for myself, mentally or physically that will help improve how I feel. It can VERY easily snowball into a much larger issue.
The thing is, when you are in this type of funk, you’re not going to wake up one day and feel amazing and all your problems have magically disappeared. But, that doesn’t mean it’s a hopeless situation.
The solution
You have options - you can work to get through it or chose to get used to the dark place you don’t want to stay in (sorry, tough love).
Working through it may feel daunting, especially if your motivation to do so comes and goes (or is non existent). So here’s what we are gonna do…
We are going to create routines around the non-negotiable things you need to do every day to feel your best. That way you have these routines in place that allow you to stick to behaviors that will help you get out of that funk, instead of doing things that keep you in it.
Step one: Reflect
The behaviors you choose are up to you. That said you may not even be aware of what does help you feel better each day. That is totally cool. Now is the perfect time to start learning what those are…
Think about what helps you feel more grounded? Less stressed? Relaxed? More connected to the world around you? More in tune with your body and mind? Keeps you functioning as best as possible?
You don’t need to come up with a massive list - if you come up with one thing, thats great. Five things? Also great. All that matters is that they are YOUR personal non-negotiables and that they are realistic.
The things on my list are behaviors that tend to that fall by the wayside when I am in a slump. Not only does that negatively affect how I mentally and physically feel, it squashes any motivation I have to get out of said slump.
Step two: List your non-negotiables
Keeping the goal in mind of working through a rough patch as best as possible, think of the non-negotiable things that you would benefit from.
Go write them out (or type) them, it helps to visually see your list.
Here’s an example of mine:
Connecting to my body through movement daily (ideally 15+ mins long)
Staying hydrated throughout the day
Brushing my teeth and putting on clothes that are not my PJs even if I will be in the house all day
Having at least 20 mins sitting with Lilly (my nurse/cat)
Go to sleep by 11pm and wake up by 8am
Getting outside for at least 10 mins daily
On my heavy computer time days, take hourly 5 min breaks to look away from the screen and walk around the house
Step three: Create routines
Once you have your own list, add detailed steps of how you are going to make it a routine. This is great because often when I am in one of those funks, I am really good at overthinking things to death to the point where I don’t do anything. This way, I can just do the thing it - kinda like being on autopilot.
Here’s an example of a few of my non-negotiables broken down into steps so I don’t need to think about it.
My Non-Negotiables
Connecting to my body through movement daily (ideally 15+ mins long)
I put my shoes by the front door with socks in them. That way I can just go into autopilot, put them on and walk outside vs. having to think about gathering everything, which is usually when I come up with an excuse of why I shouldn’t do the activity.
I look through my weekday schedule and scheduled time to take movement breaks each day. That time is non-negotiable. It doesn’t matter what the movement I’m doing is, what matters is that it happens.
Brushing my teeth, washing my face and putting on clothes that are not my PJs even if I will be in the house all day
After eating breakfast I sit and organize my day. Instead of procrastinating or scrolling which negatively affects my morning, I get up and brush my teeth. That kickstarts my brain into ‘start the day time’.
Putting on fresh clothes and washing my face signifies a fresh start to me which helps me approach the day with a little more pep in my step vs dragging my way through life.
Getting outside for at least 10 mins daily
In the early evening I walk around the garden and water the plants (if needed) for at least 10 minutes. If I am putting off doing this non-negotiable, I visualize how nice and peaceful it is out there while I sit on the couch. Or, I look through recent pictures from the garden. When I am doing those things, I really feel the emotions of happiness and wonder that arise when I am outside. That makes me crave that experience in real life, which propels me into action and actually go outside!
On my heavy computer time days, take hourly 5 min breaks to look away from the screen and walk around
I set an alarm on my phone on the hour and will take 5 minutes to either grab a snack, grab food for the cat, switch laundry, grab a different book to read, or do anything else that just gets me away from a screen for 5 minutes.
I mentioned above the point of creating a routine around your non-negotiables is to make it easy and straightforward to continue to do them, even when you don’t want to, because you know in the end you will feel better after they are done. That way you aren’t relying on motivation to feel better. This part does require discipline, because you won’t always want to do them.
What does discipline really mean?
On the note of discipline…Discipline does not mean to grin and bear it. It means that you have your non-negotiables and you also…
Pay attention to and listen to your body. If you know deep down that you need to truly rest in order to play the long game, then do it. And if it is a rest day, make it a REST day. Be compassionate with yourself, remind yourself you are doing what you need and that rest is productive.
Hold yourself accountable to stick to behaviors that you know will leave you feeling better. Only YOU know if you are making an excuse (we all do it) or if you truly need a break. You have to call yourself out on your own bs, no one else will.
If you aren’t sure if you are in need of a break or making an excuse, then do some trial and error to figure it out. If it seems like you may benefit from half doing the behavior (ex. doing a lighter movement session then intended), then be flexible and adjust. Showing up is all that matters, it’s what helps ingrain the behavior into a habit. Something is better than nothing - always.
Staying consistent
In addition to discipline, consistency is critical in building new habits. Consistency may sound daunting initially, but remember it doesn’t mean all or nothing. Quite the opposite actually - consistency is about showing up regularly (not always!). It’s about showing yourself that you can keep a promise to yourself and that you give af about yourself.
Seeing benefit from doing behaviors consistently will empower you like nothing else because it shows you that putting in steady effort can shift how you feel for the better. It puts more power back into your hands, which is crucial, especially when you are feeling down and over the constant challenges.
The more you do it, the more your confidence will grow, which makes it easier to keep doing it. Plus that confidence bleeds out into other areas of life and positively benefiting your life as a whole too.
To recap
It may sound like a pie in the sky dream right now and that is okay. The important part is to figure out your non-negotiables, outline steps to turn them into a routine and build discipline (and compassion) and consistency.
Let’s get real
At the end of the day it sucks, like really reallllllly sucks to be stuck in what seems like an endless tunnel of despair. You can have amazing people help, support and encourage you, but they can’t get you out of the tunnel.
It’s on you.
While perhaps overwhelming, the good news is you just need to focus on yourself and do your non-negotiable behaviors that help you live a happier and healthier life.
Start there.
And please don’t overcomplicate this - you can start with one non-negotiable behavior every other day. Then slowly add. I don’t care where you start, and you shouldn’t either. The goal is to create sustainable change and that takes time. So start wherever it makes sense for YOU.
Final Note
I’m not an idiot though and I know that saying you ‘just need to focus on you’ isn’t as easy as it sounds.
To be honest, some days I am in such a crabapple mood, I dont want better for myself. I could give a shit quite frankly.
Here’s the deal tho - it’s those times where it is up to you to reflect on what you are choosing and why.
You know how you will feel if you continue spiraling - do you want that?
Or do you want to try for a new feeling? New can be scary, but new can be refreshing too. And just maybe with consistency it won’t feel new or scary!?!? And who knows you may even like it?!?!
Remember - the time will pass regardless.
What do you have to lose?
Happy non-negotiable list making and routine creating 🙌🏼
