Grief and Chronic Illness Go Together like PB+J
Grief, loss + finding your power
Whether or not you like it, you have probably realized that chronic illness forces you to stop, adjust your expectations and accept loss - loss of the body you knew and the life you expected.
It’s an odd experience to watch your life morph into something you else, especially something you didn’t expect or want. You know the times I mean - when you are in the middle of change and you can’t stop it. I’ve had plenty of these transition periods riddled with change - diagnosis, any one of my many relapses, med changes, relationships and more. If you’re living with an illness I’m willing to bet you have had times of unwelcome change and loss as well.
These changes and losses are often accompanied by a shift in relationships, hobbies, career, identity and more. With loss, comes grief. While experiencing grief is not fun, it is part of the process to live with illness and fucking thrive.
With illness, you may feel denial or anger that this is happening, sad about the life you expected being interrupted or have a deep desire to go back to life as you knew it before. You may be unsure of how this diagnosis will affect your future, your relationships, your goals, career and the list goes on. That is all super fucking shitty and elicit hard emotions AND it’s a normal part of grief with chronic illness (sorry to be the bearer of bad news).
It’s important to recognize that grief in and of itself can be a sticky place - hard to move in and out of. Of course grief comes along with diagnosis, but it also sneaks up and interrupts daily life at times. You may feel like you are making strides, only to be sucked back in after a triggering event. Which, in my opinion, is one of the reasons grieving with chronic illness is so exhausting - it’s relentless at times.
Here’s the thing though - even in those moments of overwhelming change, loss and grief you have a choice - you get to decide how you want to respond to what’s happening. Your response is where you have the option to make a choice that benefits your future self, vs hurts it. Your response is where you shape your future. Your response is where your power lies.
So we get that your choice and response to grief is powerful, but why do it in the first place?
The benefits of Grieving
While grieving is a bitch, the result of working through your grief is worth it. When you choose to let the grief out, you uncover your power. It is through grieving that you gain clarity, acceptance of the situation and confidence in yourself.
Grieving your losses, allows you to open the door to the future. It gives you the space to recognize, ‘my life doesn’t look like how I thought and I’m not happy about it, but I can still find happiness and joy because a different life doesn’t have to be a bad life.’
Just like that you are creating space for possibility. You are taking ownership of your life. You are accepting reality and shifting your focus to living your best life in THIS moment. Not in the past, not in the body you wish you had, not in the future you expected, but IN THIS MOMENT.
Alright we know that grief literally shows up whenever it wants and takes a seat at the table, regardless of if you want it to be there or not, but WTF are you supposed to do when the unwelcome guest comes around?
Tips for when you’re experiencing grief
Grieving is a journey, and unfortunately with chronic illness, it is one you are going to stumble upon often. The key is recognizing when you are grieving and choosing to be extra compassionate with yourself during that time. When you know your grieving, try these things…
Pay attention to your feelings and acknowledge them. It’s okay to be sad, angry or anxious (or any other feeling). Affirm and validate yourself, acknowledge that you are grieving/mad/sad/etc and put names to the emotions. Recognizing how you feel and naming it can make it less overwhelming. Plus, knowing exactly what you feel helps you work through it.
Tip: if you aren’t sure about what feeling you’re experiencing, google the feelings wheel. That will give you lots of emotions to pick from. :)
Remind yourself there is not a right way to grieve. The right way is the way that works for YOU.
Take care of yourself - take action depending on how your feeling. Sad? Cry it out. Angry? Write it out. Anxious? Go outside and take some deep breaths. Do what you need in the moment to care for yourself. There is nothing wrong or bad with feeling a difficult emotion. While it sucks to be uncomfortable, feeling the emotion and processing why you feel that way will help you work through it. As far as what action to do with what emotion, that is an individual preference - try out different things and see what works best for you.
Keep it in perspective. Grieving hurts and can be all encompassing but put that shit in perspective - life is not black and white. It’s not ALWAYS painful and it won’t feel this way FOREVER. If you need to, think of other times when times were hard. How did you get through? What can you do now?
Alternatively, think of things that motivate you and bring you joy. What are some things in your life that brighten your day? This may be extra hard, but even if it is seemingly silly/small, like how good your teeth feel after a good brushing, it counts!
Find your people. You’re not alone in this. Friends and family can offer support. If that is not an option, look for support groups, search on social media for someone you connect with (just be mindful when you’re scrolling). Seeing others going through similar experiences can be so helpful in making the grieving process less isolating.
Prioritize your wellbeing. There is no way around it - grief is fucking exhausting. It can drain you physically, mentally and emotionally. Have a renewed interest in nurturing your overall health at this time. I know, I know, you feel like a bag of bricks, but *try* to eat foods that fuel your body, incorporate light movement, limit caffeine, minimize stress, prioritize sleep and stay hydrated. If that is too much, that’s a-ok, just commit to doing something to help your wellbeing daily.
Be nice to yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself. Stop adding salt onto the wound. No one is asking you to be the most positive person on the planet, just don’t make it worse by beating yourself up and adding more negativity to a challenging time.
To close, let’s keep it real, if your goal is to live your life with illness and fucking thrive, you gotta grieve.
I know, I know, grieving is a lot, but you know what is more challenging?
Moving on with your life if you are constantly wishing for what was or fighting what is.
So, like I said, you gotta grieve and while you do it, follow the tips above.
Do you have other tips to add? Leave it in the comments!
